Mr. Smelly Toufu

ah fuck you cunt

2010-07-15T10:52:00.002+08:00

you are one stupid demanding hypocrite.

call me a man-whore?
who was the one making out with other people when she was attached
who is the one who still "loves" her ex-bf, "likes" a guy she met online and after 3 years still haven't met in person, and 2 hours after calling me a man-whore you're making out full-on with one of my best mates

call me your best friend?
i told you i know sydney better than you, and i know that guy better than you, and strongly advised you not to go with him, but you'd rather trust a guy you met once than your "best friend"
i told you we're no longer best friends after that, you didn't think i was serious
do you still think the same right now?

you are the most selfish person i know.
everything we do must be what you wanna do
even though you did pay alot of money to come over, understand that i'm trying to have a good holiday as well
i'm glad you liked sydney, but you made it a mere okay for me.

you are the stupidest person i know.
earn 50k in 6 months through a job you're about to enter?
are you serious?
and anyway, who brings $800 to a club?

you can slap me, but straight up, suck my dick.

fist pump

2010-06-11T04:46:00.003+08:00

i remember a time when i found joy in the little things

when i was small and the world seemed like a beautiful place

i remember a time when i was bashed up at an age where i was still bringing lunchboxes to school.

even then, the world was beautiful.

i remember a time when i found good friends who i would trust my life with

the world was perfect

i remember a time when i realised i was good at sports, everything seemed possible, and nothing could encumber me.

the world was at my feet

i remember a time when i got a spine fracture and told i could never run, jump, swim, cycle, or do most physical exercises for the rest of my life

i dealt with it

i remember a time when i found the sweet sweet pleasure of playing the guitar

the world started shining again

i remember a time when my loved ones started passing on

the world stood still

but this time, the world has never looked more grim.

baa baa black sheep

2010-06-10T22:38:00.000+08:00

got into my first fight in ages.

damn my face feels fucked up.

i'm loving angels instead

2010-06-08T05:07:00.003+08:00

my hands can't stop shaking.

i think i've pushed it this time.

the worst is knowing i'm gonna continue.

how now brown cow, can't say life's dull.

2010-06-05T21:59:00.005+08:00

back to blogging.

i've come to realise that if i don't somehow express my thoughts i may actually go hysterical.

i know there're people reading this, so everything's gonna be pretty vague.

if you're a close friend, maybe you can infer most of what i'm talking about for yourself.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hunter's was pretty epic yesterday.

once again, despite being heavily intoxicated, i can remember everything.

the spanish dude, leo's dancing, drunk man sliding across the floor chasing nat, bad people who i've suddenly come to befriend, the laos chaps, and crystal.

it could've gone better.

but hey, it could always be way worse eh.

either way, i come back home and find myself staring at the stack of books on the table.

no matter how optimistic i can be sometimes, this time i know how fucked i am.

there's almost no chance of turning this semester into a successful one.

almost none.

but that one glimmer of hope,

i'll grab it by its balls.

everything's gonna be okay.

just gotta keep reminding myself that.

dropped a whole wad of cash, but that's still relatively unimportant

2010-06-02T23:42:00.004+08:00

i sit at my desk, staring at this screen.

words fill my mind, but nothing coherent, nothing intelligent.

i want to write about how disappointed i am with myself.

how fucked up i feel about everything.

especially knowing how much worse things are going to get.

especially knowing how i'm not going to stop myself, but plunge into this comfortable darkness.

i want out as much as i want in.

"you know, i miss your old self. the one i first met a long time ago."

i wish i was my old self too.

i wasn't this weak, and i doubt i'll ever be.

i want to be strong, and yet my mind is so tired.

i want to whine but i know no one will listen.

there is a carton of cigarettes that has massive sign "Smoking Kills" on my desk, but i ignore it everyday.

i have more problems than that.

i'm at the stage where i could do well this semester, or fuck everything up.

and i pray to whoever is out there to give me a little strength, just to get by.

this shit is absorbing me, its killing me.

i'm numb to my spine with both anticipation and fear regarding the next few steps.

i have to tread carefully from now on.

fucking carefully.

one wrong move and i'm gone.

redundancy.

2010-05-26T01:13:00.003+08:00

i looked to my right, and asked him.

"What now, old friend?"

he doesn't answer, he doesn't respond.

i observe his face, the haggardness speaking for itself.

i peered into his eyes, finding wisdom but at the same time, emptiness.

shifting my gaze down, i notice his eye-bags, the tiredness screaming out for help.

he opens his mouth, tries to speak, but exhaustion overcomes him.

he picks up the guitar and starts crying about why things won't go his way.

he looks at the stack of work on his table and procrastination is his only thought.

he reaches over the counter and looks for a beer to drown his sorrows, but the only ones left are those on the floor.

he looks at me, and i know he's asking me for answers.

but all this while, he has been the one with all the solutions to our problems.

we have finally reached a pothole we can't climb out of.

i ask him again, "What now, old friend?"

and i realise that mirrors don't speak.

Strength.

2010-05-26T01:08:00.002+08:00

Whatever the goal we're pursuing,

no matter ow rugged climb,

we're certain to get there

by trying our best,

and taking one day at a time...

"Forever" is hard to imagine,

"the future" may seem far away -

But every new dawn

brings a wonderful chance

to do what we can on that day.

as the world falls to pieces

2009-12-10T11:55:00.000+08:00

i alone remain unwavered, unaffected, unconcerned.

emo post

2009-11-22T15:37:00.003+08:00

i miss sydney.

i miss sitting outside the front door of UniLodge with Ric, leaning against the brick wall, smoking and listening to him talk and sing.

i miss our weekly excursions, to the Fish Market, Darling Harbour, Church, NewTown, Circular Quay, Coogee sunrises.

i miss coffee and cigarettes with you.

i miss smoking up with you.

i miss listening to you and your keyboard going away till 4 in the morning.

i miss watching South Park and Boston Legal with you.

But although i miss you so much, i think i miss her more.

and it tears me apart knowing she prob doesn't miss me at all.

what am i doing wrong?

random

2009-11-16T05:10:00.001+08:00

The retirement village was mostly widows, all of whom, according to my mother, had been looking forward to this solo period of their lives since the day they were married, give or take a few hours.

Widowhood, she explained, was generally considered the reward for a lifetime of living in the shadow of an overbearing husband and playing the role of dutiful wife.

i miss you.

2009-11-11T06:35:00.000+08:00

biggest breakdown last night.
biggest hangover now.

where the dogs of society howl

2009-11-04T03:15:00.002+08:00

no, i am not forgiving you.

no time

2009-11-02T02:08:00.002+08:00

i have so much to say right now but no time to say it
basically because i'm so tired i'll collapse any moment now
i'll just sum this up to 6 people:

i love you
i used to love you
i'm pretty sure i love you
i miss you and you so badly
where the fuck are you

sith and filth

2009-10-26T12:08:00.001+08:00

Home, last night

"You, shut the fuck up."

------------------------------------------

Things have obviously changed.

got to get my independency back.

or at least my decency.

let the curtains fall

2009-10-20T22:49:00.002+08:00

I'm missing your bed, I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
You're not alone and you're not discreet.
You make sure I know who's taking you home.

I'm reading your note over again,
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it:
"I'll love you always and forever"

As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
And sit alone and wonder,
how you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere,
with anyone, making out.

I'm missing your laugh,
How did it break?
And when did your eyes
Begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
I am alone in my defeat
I wish I knew you were safely at home.

I hate you.

2009-10-19T23:28:00.003+08:00

I hate that you're not mine
I hate that I fell for you
I hate that your smile haunts
I hate that you died
I hate that I can't be angry
I hate that I'm upset
I hate that you wanted this
I hate that I wasn't enough
I hate that I couldn't make you happy
I hate that I don't hate you
I hate that I can't stop crying
I hate that life goes on
I hate that your not actually dead
I hate your choices
I hate I feel that your dead
I hate the man you sleep with
I hate seeing you so happy
I hate so many things but the one
I hate the most
I hate that I love you
I hate I would die for you
I hate I'll never get over you
I hate myself for not hating you

i'm afraid to sleep coz my dreams are just a continuation of reality.

2009-10-13T20:53:00.004+08:00

you use me like a tissue dispenser that's just an arm's length away.

2009-10-10T18:31:00.003+08:00

today was the best day in months.

today was beautiful.

today was perfect.

------------------------------------------------------

went to fish market with Ric.

gay outing.

forgot mary jane before we left, kinda regretted it.

but the food was crazy.

combatting the seagulls with my scarf, smoking on the astro-turf, eating solid orgasm.

it was perfect.

------------------------------------------------------

shopped with Les, bought SO much food.

Sushi, KFC, Krispy Kreme, Bread Top, Sashimi and Unagi from FM.

we are screwed.

maybe

2009-10-08T21:28:00.002+08:00

maybe if you closed your eyes i'd be handsome

maybe if i covered my ears i'd sound like an angel

maybe if i died i'd know who truly loved me

all by myself

2009-10-06T12:55:00.002+08:00

When I was young, I never needed anyone

And making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

Living alone, I think of all the friends I've known

But when I dial the telephone

Nobody's home

Hard to be sure, sometimes I feel so insecure

And love so distant and obscure

Remains the cure

Don't wanna be, all by myself, anymore.

emo time, take me with you, far and away

2009-09-29T23:45:00.003+08:00

Please forgive me if I seem forward,

but I've never been in front of anything like you

Its the last place I ever thought I'd be,

when I woke up this morning.

---------------------------------------

Is it true?

And that you're always this breathtaking,

and your smart and you're willing,

my God this is killing me.

---------------------------------------

Tell me all the things you never said.

We can lie here and talk for hours in my bed.

I don't have anything to hide,

I don't have anything,

everything is not for certain.

---------------------------------------

You started to see right through me,

and I'm loving every minute of it.

Its like I'm born again,

every time I breath in so,

---------------------------------------

If you're curious,

my favorite color's blue,

and I like to sing in the shower;

if you like, I'll sing to you.

---------------------------------------

Tell me all of your hopes,

all of your dreams,

I want you to take me there.

---------------------------------------

Tell me everything,

every breath,

I want you to know I'll be there.

---------------------------------------

Theres just one more thing,

one request:

I want you to take me with you.

---------------------------------------

Take me with you,

I will never let you down,

I will love you now and forever.

when will he come back to me?

2009-09-28T02:17:00.002+08:00

eyes opened dreamily.

everything looks surreal.

again, memories of last night slowly crawled to mind.

smoking with Ric.

meeting YQ.

clubbing with Nat, Les, Henry, YQ and her friends.

Ana and the cab.

smoking again.

carrying him onto the couch.

hangover.

i looked over to my window.

the sun's almost down.

time to own this day.

--------------------------------------

Corona Coffee, 30 minutes later

called Fernando over, asked him for my daily usual.

sat down outside and realised my mistake.

it was blazing cold and there I was with my berms.

the cold wasn't too bad actually.

it was the wind that got you.

placed my laptop on the table, started on my assignment.

coffee came.

and then my soul left my body and I was looking down on myself at that exact moment.

sitting down with a cig in my left, staring intently at the laptop, right hand covering the coffee as the wind was blowing it almost out of the mug, the chairs in front of me lifting off the floor and landing a few feet away.

pretty gay-ass crazy.

but it was so beautiful.

--------------------------------------

dropped my wallet at Supre yesterday, while waiting for YQ to shop.

lost some cash.

had to call dad and ask him to send me some money cause all I had left was in that wallet.

he thought I created a detailed story to con him of cash.

didn't realise our relationship had fallen so far off the seemingly bottomless cliff.

felt emo again.

at least he sent me more than what I asked.

thank you

--------------------------------------

watched Boston Legal with Les.

episode on cigarettes.

possibly the best one I've watched in a long, long while.

feel sad feeling so helpless.

--------------------------------------

missed B's birthday.

miss her and everyone else back home.

miss Yuli.

miss Lucky.

miss Laiguang.

when will he come back to me?

lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her clothes

2009-09-24T00:26:00.002+08:00

i woke up.

dead tired.

crawled out of bed and headed out for a smoke.

got out into the corridor.

didn't notice my surroundings.

if i did, i would've been prepared.

got as far as the main door.

stepped out.

stopped breathing.

"i must still be sleeping."

closed my eyes.

i woke up.

nope, still the same sight.

i walked into a scene of a movie, something with a theme like "the end of the world".

--------------------------------------------

Kitchen, 10 hours ago

Ric enters.

"You're early."

"Has it come?"

"Nope."

"Awwwww. Alright. School ended early, so let's head to Coles soon."

continue to fry my diced lamb.

"By the way, do me a favour? Help me get the blue pouch with all my watches."

"Sure."

comes back with it.

"Open it for me please???"

"Sure."

opens it and stops breathing.

"Holy mother of God."

and then the world came crashing down once more.

--------------------------------------------

i woke up.

crawled to my desk and sat down on my trusty chair.

swivelled round to look at the mirror.

looked into my eyes.

they are different.

looked at my face.

its tasteless.

looked at my heart.

nothing but black.

i am nothing.

there is something wrong with me.

2009-09-20T22:22:00.002+08:00

on the bus to city, 2300H

listening to iphone.

bus reaches junction before Hyde Park.

sirens start ringing louder and louder.

taxi in front of bus moves to cross the junction.

ambulance cutting through slams full force into it.

forms an arrowhead.

and the world starts to go crazy.

--------------------------------------------

double-o, 10 weeks ago

sitting down with the 2 best friends in my life.

"Lai. I've decided that I could go on and on about how I'll miss you once you're gone. But no, that's not what I'm gonna do. What I AM gonna do is tell you that this next five years is nothing, nothing compared to what we'll be going through for the rest of our lives. Because that's just it. I want to spend my whole life with you. And you know that no matter where you are, we'll always be brothers."

--------------------------------------------

It was Tricia's birthday.

I wished her well, and she looked at me.

"Your breath stinks."

I wake up.

Look around.

There is blood everywhere.

My back is bleeding.

I am paralyzed, partly with fear but mostly because my back is bleeding.

I scream for help.

But all that comes out is smoke tainted with the colour of blood.

I wake up.

I am sleeping on the pavement outside Capella.

Clearly I was drunk, got wasted and just blacked out.

I stumble to my feet, and start crossing the road to get back to Unilodge.

I stop in the middle of the road, on the dividing pavement, watching an incoming car get closer.

The car drives too close to the pavement, hits the curb, flips in mid-air, flies straight at me.

I wake up.

And all I remember is that I am unstable.

love, spiders, and everything nice

2009-09-18T11:31:00.003+08:00

walking out of the gym.

haven't stretched for a long, long time.

back hurts like a tattoo pierced onto my privates.

a troop of children enter.

one girl looks up at me.

haven't slept in 24 hours, stares back at her with the eyes of an experienced killer, eyebags large enough to pack my clothes in and return home to my country of origin.

she smiles with all the innocence and joy that youth promises, and waves at me enthusiastically.

shocked, stop in my tracks, unsure of what to do.

time stopped.

---------------------------------------------------------

World Square, 6 weeks ago

Walking in with Ana and Les to find the ladies.

they enter.

they exit.

turn to the ATM to make withdrawals.

a song starts playing.

Boys Like Girls.

memories of jamming with Eugene fill my mind.

memories of good music and painful lies.

left the two of them, walked to a bench to sit down and reminisce.

emo-time.

"What's wrong?"

turn around and see the most beautiful asian girl standing behind me.

assumes she was talking on her handphone.

turn back, continue to let myself seep into the darkest corners of my soul.

she sits beside me, starts organising purse.

time passes.

"Here you go."

looks at her, bewilderment slowly filling my eyes.

"Take it. Whatever that is causing your sorrow will disappear with this."

reach out and accept "Wrigley's Extra" chewing gum with the most act-cute drawings on it.

and the darkness disappeared.

there is still love in this world.

she smiles, got to her feet and start walking away.

rooted to my seat, watching her slowly fade away.

---------------------------------------------------------

Home, 730am

"Help."

"What's going on?"

"Take a look."

Leo pulls out bed, pointing at a corner of his room, on the carpet.

nothing there.

then there it was.

"FUCKING SON OF A BITCH WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HOLY MOTHER OF LUCIFER"

the biggest spider I have stumbled upon in my life.

right there, in our apartment.

threw something at it.

it disappeared.

apparently being fucking huge wasn't enough, fucking fast too.

"We need an expert to kill this living abomination"

Leo agrees.

"RIC! GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR ROOM!"

"Geez... What's going... HAHA. pansy."

couldn't risk using a flamethrower.

used a bigass bottle of sanitary wipes.

threw at it once, crippled one leg.

second time, another leg.

third time, one more.

and it so happened to lie on the edge of the bed.

Ric threw the bottle at it, and somehow chopped it into half.

"What the..."

puts it in tupperware.

"Hmmm..."

puts in microwave.

3 minutes.

Ric returns back to his room, I sit in the living room, waiting.

microwave beeps.

"Ric."

"Yeah?"

"Breakfast is served."

opens microwave.

room instantly smells of dead squid and the armpits of the homeless.

apparently the body expands under extreme heat.

"Alright, fun's over. Coffee time."

---------------------------------------------------------

Corona Coffee, 10 minutes later

"You do know that the both of us have accumulated enough bad karma to..."

"How so?"

"We tortured a lesser being."

"Ric. That's the law of evolution in action. The strong live on and prosper, the weak just die out."

"True. I mean, blame the stupid beast to get hit by something so massive and say "hmmm... someone's throwing shit at me. maybe i'll hide right here," gets hit again and says "nope not gonna move, here's the best place to hide." Its his own dumb fault eh?"

"True that."

---------------------------------------------------------

Outside Space, one month ago

sitting down outside a bank, thinking to myself.

emo-time.

Aussie couple walks past.

looks at me, just another Asian kid.

man stops in his track.

studies me intently.

looks back with all the pride I could master.

"Are you alright, mate?"

stunned once more.

"Doing alright. Thank you."

looks at me unsure, smiles and walks off.

---------------------------------------------------------

there is still love among strangers in this strange strange world.

music, sex, and destiny

2009-09-18T03:32:00.003+08:00

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

~Viktor Frankl

-----------------------------------------------------

Kitchen, 6 hours ago

"If you had to kill me, how would you do it?"

"Well it depends. Will I get away with it?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm. I can choose to be merciful and get it over and done with. Or I could be the sadist that I am and enjoy every bit of the way."

"As you wish."

"I'd probably drown you, considering the lack of oxygen would make you high right before you die."

"If not?"

"I'd just shoot you, make it quick."

"Did you know that if you jumped off a roof, you'll die before you hit the pavement?"

"How's that?"

"Heart attack."

"Sweet."

-----------------------------------------------------

Don't aim at success - the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it.

For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.

Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it.

I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge.

Then you will live to see that in the long run - in the long run, I say! - success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it.

-----------------------------------------------------

Capella, 8 hours ago

"I learnt alot of music theory today."

"Oh? How'd that turn out?"

"Improving. Step by step."

"I'm thinking of stopping."

"Why?"

"Guitar isn't the biggest priority at the moment."

-----------------------------------------------------

And the night shall be filled with music,

And the cares that infest the day

Shall fold their tents like the Arabs

And as silently steal away.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, The Day Is Done

-----------------------------------------------------

Home, the night before

"That's the thing with music."

"What is?"

"Emotions. People always think its all about emotions."

"What is it about then?"

"Its this."

Places hand on groin.

"Pleasant."

"Its all primal, that's what it is."

"Primal how?"

"Its all about sex. Why bother trying to disguise it as something so civilized and beautiful when its all about natural urges?"

-----------------------------------------------------

Will I ever be good at it?

general awesomeness

2009-09-17T00:16:00.003+08:00

remember the last time life fucked with you and you felt that things couldn't get any worse?

remember the last time you smiled and it was genuine happiness?

remember the last time you had a hug from a friend and you knew there and then that you'd give your life for this person and that the feeling was mutual?

---------------------------------------------------------------

Skype, an hour ago

"You were the one who taught me this. If we didn't live our lives like every moment mattered, was essential in achieving greater things, fulfilling at the same time, it simply isn't living."

"Yes. But that person is simply a different person with the same face."

---------------------------------------------------------------

MSN, soon after

do not burn zebra pens said:
things can and will onli get better.

Ahmad M said:
and life treats us extra kind because we're awesome.

do not burn zebra pens said:
no
life fucks with us because its jealous and unfair to the rest that we're this awesome.

dreams, nothing, and everything

2009-09-16T19:07:00.005+08:00

Black.

Blacker than black.

A place void of light, just floating in between the seams of reality and dreams.

My eyes opened.

I sat up.

My back hurt.

Looked around.

My room was a mess.

I slept in my underwear, obviously too lazy to change before crashing.

sat there as time slowly escaped, thinking about last night.

vivid glimpses of fucked up videos on youtube.

birthday cake.

kicking Ric.

dropping my iPhone.

kidnapping Les.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Capella, 2 hours ago.

"What happens when you die?"

"Nothing. Just nothingness."

we should never be afraid of death, for when our time comes, we return to the same state in which we were in before our birth.

its nothing new.

----------------------------------------------------------------

eBuddy, 3 hours ago

"I can't give you a shoulder to cry, you're so far away."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Phone, the night before

"I know I'm not there Lai. But I'm still here."

"I know, Ahmad. I know."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Facebook, 17 hours ago

"I want you to fight. For whatever that's worth, I want you to fight."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Now

There's nothing to fight. I'm not unhappy. Not even slightly fazed.

Fretting is for the weak.

Troubles are for the overly-sensitive.

Love is for the broken-hearted.

I'm just... tired.

I can't remember the last time I was fresh, sober.

The last time when I was so sure of this world.

But tomorrow is the day I will wake up.

Not today.

Just not today.

Give me this one night to feel everything.

Before I become.

----------------------------------------------------------------

You are not sending me home for good.

Suck a dick.

memories of the remembered

2009-09-15T13:05:00.006+08:00

sat down with Ric smoking at the usual spot again last night.

there he was, the old man with the crazy talk, speaking to an audience that didn't appreciate him.

maybe it was because there was just no meaning to it.

then he asked me for a cigarette.

"Answer one question and you can have my last stick."

"Please."

"What is the meaning to life, old man? Why are we here?"

stops to ponder.

places finger to lips and stares back at me with his cold, warm eyes.

and in that one moment, one that I have waited for so long,

the insanity in him vanished.

"To listen, just to hear them."

"Hear what?"

"What the people say."

"How do we know we can trust them?"

"Listen to the good people. Just the good people."

"How do we know they're good?"

smiles, and takes the cigarette, before starting to mumble words of senility again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't updated in a long, long while.

Many things have changed, I have changed.

I remember one of my first conversations with Ric.

He read me through his tarot deck.

I opened the card of Death.

and it is coming true.

Everything I know about myself has fallen apart.

I thought I was strong, that I could deal with any hand life or God dealt me.

I was wrong.

I was naive.

And now I am starting to pay.

I just wish the first half of Death is over.

I need to start building myself up, piece by piece.

Ahmad and Wen were right, they lost me to this place.

I look at my face in the mirror and it is different.

I look at my palms and there is the mark.

I look at myself and I see a stranger.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Corona Coffee, 3 weeks back.

"Ric. Nietzsche said that the meaning of life was to live for power. Freud believed it was for pleasure. Frankl explained that it was simply to find the meaning of life, and then to fulfill that once we've found the answer. What is the meaning of life?"

"Suffering."

"Without suffering, we know no pain. Without pain, there is no cause, no need for progress, for change. Without that, life is meaningless."

"Without suffering, there is no hope."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bus-stop, a month ago.

"I will not be here forever my friend. I will not always be able to control you. You need to learn to discipline yourself."

"I am disciplined. I know what I'm doing."

"It is not my place to say it but I will, you are a different person from when we first came here."

"I am no different. They call me Nate, but inside I'm still the same person."

"You have lost focus."

"What was the dream, Wen?"

"You have forgotten, that is my point."

"I haven't. It has simply... changed."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You are the only person who makes me feel this naive."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Corona Coffee, 4 days ago.

Ric is going through his text while we gently sip our daily caps and inhale cancer.

"Ric. We broke contact."

looks up, listening.

"Why?"

"I cannot deal with this anymore."

"You know what your problem is? You over-think things. You fuck up your life by over-complicating the simple matters. You act on impulse, rashly making decisions that in the end we both know will fuck you over. And the worse thing is that you tell yourself that you are taking an intellectual perspective, a rational standpoint on the matter."

"It doesn't matter. I've decided."

"Can I slap you?"

"Please."

stands up, rolls his text, takes a swing across my left cheek.

on the floor, lost hearing on my left, gets up.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

goes back to reading his text, I continue thinking.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Home, 2 days ago.

"Since we're going on an excursion, you know what we need."

"Let's do it. I just wanna buy my guitar strings, what are you gonna do?"

"Gonna browse through the keyboard section, check out the prices."

City, an hour later.

Ric walks out with a receipt in his hand.

"You know what'll be awesome right now? Fucking Starbucks."

We sit by Darling Harbour watching the water, with the only 2 things we ever need, coffee & cigarettes.

"Water has this calming effect on me."

still thinking.

"You know what? We're going to church."

"Sure. By the way Ric, you sat on birdshit."

"Holy mother of God! Fucking son of a bitch! We are not going to church."

"Yes we are."

"Nate, I am not going to church with bird shit of this size on my pants."

"Yes we are."

"No, we aren't, and that's the end of it."

Church, an hour later.

Ric kneels down to pray.

Even I pray.

Walking out.

"Thank you for changing my mind about coming here."

"You're welcome."

"Did you pray?"

"For the very first time."

"What did you say?"

"For Death to come soon."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grotta Capri, 4 nights ago.

Dad, Mom and I having dinner.

"I intend to stay with Wen in Capella."

"The answer is no."

goes on for 1 hour.

"Give me a reason that I cannot refute. A reason that is so true I just have to accept it for what it is. A reason that I can tell myself that maybe going into hostel is the better choice."

"You want a reason? I'll send you home."

"Thank you for dinner mom. I'll see you early tomorrow."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The dream is over wen.

The person you knew is gone Ahmad.

Goodbye, yellow brick road.

Welcome back, death.

whites and blacks

2009-06-18T21:35:00.002+08:00

this is a follow-up to the previous post,

IM ALL PREPARED FOR UNI!!!!!!

WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!

got my hostel room and completed my visa application already, so all that's left is SHOPSHOPSHOP (ahmad i need you :( )

but yeah on hindsight and on a less light-hearted note,

fuck zouk.

back for good

2009-06-17T01:27:00.006+08:00

for the first time in a long, long while

i feel like life is treating me kindly.

i've found a real friend in ahmad, joyce c, wayne, weikang, dharma, xuefang, jasmine, and a few others.

my fitness has come back to maybe better than even before operation.

my relationship issues are probably over.

all i have left to deal with is prep for uni.

and i just can't wait.

PS: Dharma, your t-shirt appeared on tv, HAPPY NOW?!?!?!

hehehe LADY GAGA ROCKS

http://www.razortv.com.sg/site/servlet/segment/main/news/31972.html;jsessionid=2BB11699FC714B5D0273D93D621332FB.01

friends

2009-06-10T01:03:00.001+08:00

i love all my friends

some more than others

but some hurt me more too

achievements of the day

2009-06-03T01:42:00.002+08:00

1) jogged for 30 minutes
2) realised i can do the whirlwind thing with the soccer ball
3) started on catching the light
4) managed to accomplish alot in practice for friday's gig
5) realised something

worries

2009-06-01T01:05:00.001+08:00

about everything.

Love and everything else

2009-05-12T23:58:00.001+08:00

Just watched finish season 3 of How I Met Your Mother.

I love Barney.

Just broke my guitar string, extended play only lasts me a week.

I love Blueridge.

Just felt lonely.

I love my life.

life's wonders

2009-05-07T01:09:00.002+08:00

today was the second assignment i received, and it went well

sometimes i wonder why i still play the guitar
i live for the break through, eureka, moments
whereby songs that seemed too tumultuous a task to learn suddenly become as simple as kicking an asshole in the sack
i live for the smile on that face that never appears
i live for nothing, everything, and music.

Fear, anyone?

2009-04-05T14:18:00.001+08:00

What is your True Fear? Your Result: Losing Someone You love affection and the people in your life more than anything. Your greatest fear is that one day someone you care about won't be there anymore. You are a very friendly and inviting person, who draws in a lot of friendships with your kind, considerate, and loyal nature. However, deep down you are slightly insecure and unsure of yourself. You couldn't deal with it if you didn't have one of your loved ones in your life anymore. You don't have too much to worry about though, because with a friend like you, no one will want to lose you either!
Being Alone
Disappointment
Where Your life is Going
Death
Looked down on
Commitment
What is your True Fear? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

friends

2009-04-05T02:20:00.000+08:00

can be the worse enemies.

Crazy Night

2009-03-05T01:26:00.002+08:00

it was a great outing today! took the bus back but the damned bus didnt follow the directory and dropped me off 4 stops down! and while i was walking back, a cab was approaching and i halted it, got in, and said: "Upper East Coast Road" and BANG! there goes my 4th accident in a year... a motorcycle carrying 2 chaps slammed into the cab and one guy almost flew over it. Luckily no one was injured and I got home early enough to watch a couple of big bang episodes, type this out, and play a game of Spot the Difference on fb...

well, as i always said, good and bad things come together, so tmr better be a prosperous working day for me! or i shall win 4d! :D anyone wants in??? =D

lost in transition

2009-02-28T02:41:00.002+08:00

i need more things to do besides watching seials, playing guitar and reading books. life feels wasted, and it shouldn't be.

why can't we be friends - what a stupid song huh

2009-02-24T02:55:00.003+08:00

jobless but life is good.
call me out for a movie or dinner or drinks coz im free like piss

God is great, god bless the unemployed!

BYEBYE

2009-02-18T01:55:00.002+08:00

I'M OFF TO MALAYSIA IN 5 HOURS TIME!!!
SEE YOU ALL, WILL BE BACK IN 4 DAYS :D

HAVE FUN IN SG PEOPLE YAY

Wow Wow Wow

2009-02-15T04:19:00.002+08:00

Who in the world came up with the idea of balloons?

Who could have known that humans would have such an innate tender liking to this inanimate, useless object?

Creativity, people.

True creativity doesn't necessarily have to contribute to useful creations, apparently.

Drifting

2009-02-14T04:01:00.000+08:00

Getting better... Slowly... But still better...

hmmm

2009-02-10T11:36:00.003+08:00

apparently i've got another blog
http://quotesbylai.blogspot.com/

actually its for my ocs chaps

The Island

2009-02-10T01:29:00.004+08:00

I watched The Island this afternoon... Awesome show, but I actually liked the conversations more than the action.

"What's God?"

"You know when you really want something and you pray and pray for it?"

"Yes?"

"God is the man upstairs who ignores you."

unbearable longing

2009-02-09T06:38:00.000+08:00

come back soon

all by myself

2009-02-08T01:22:00.003+08:00

It just hit me how much I'm gonna miss you.
It should've hit me long ago...
But listening to all those songs in the car...
And thinking back all these years...
I can't imagine going on without you by my side.
I'm so sorry I took you for granted sometimes.
You're the best I could ask for.
Take care, and God speed, I love you.

Take care too, Hongji, you'll be sorely missed as well...
just in a different way :)

True Love

2009-02-04T22:55:00.003+08:00

Does it exist?

I've come to see that believers of true love are merely people who compromise, and yet opposers to the notion of it just have yet to meet the right person.

What do you think?

bottomless and topless

2009-02-02T22:15:00.000+08:00

i have run out of opinions.

down the beaten track

2009-02-01T01:46:00.002+08:00

As the long-awaited day approaches, I have no idea if it'll still be a cause of celebration anymore. The future seems so dark that even Yoda wouldn't be able to predict it. But of course, as is natural, I shall tip-toe across the murky waters to find out what lays ahead at the end of the channel.

I have no idea what's going on with the educational path I've chosen, no clue as to why I signed up for special term at NTU. But I do know that everything always works out fine, and alas, I'm worried but unconcerned.

I want to be as experienced as Tommy Emmanuel, as talented as Sungha Jung, as impressive as Andy Mckee. I don't need many things. I just want to be better. And I will be better. But time always escapes from us, as inevitable as my morning cold and as cruel as the menstrual cycle. But it'll just have to do.

Just. You. Wait.

CNY

2009-01-28T00:02:00.002+08:00

this has been a short new year break.
sometimes i still ponder about the reasons for it
tradition? reunion? ang pows? networking? mahjong?

various reasons for various people, but i hope that when the time comes we'll still be doing it. no matter how modern we get, we are nothing without our culture.

CNY will not be just another holiday. it will always, at least while I'm still here, be a time when my kids are happy when they see the miserable $2 notes our relatives give and I'll be eating good food that mom makes.

it will not fade away,
it won't.

a little of death.

2009-01-25T04:40:00.002+08:00

my time will run out one day
run like the swiftest deer
but between then and now
i shall spend it wisely
no one can escape death
that inevitable condition,
the bringer of darkness,
the enemy of life
but without it we won't cherish time
without it we won't cherish anything
we were never meant to be immortals
we live a lifespan a fraction of a tree
life is short, no.
its long enough when you know how to use it
and i will learn how to use it
better.
i fear that before i die
i'll never learn what it means to live
i don't aspire to climb the mountains,
to explore the oceans,
to swim through the air at breathtaking speeds
i just want to learn how to enjoy the simple pleasures of life
i love my friends
i have many
many who call me "bros"
many who call me good friends
but i have no idea, no assurance
as to how many i can count on in my times of need
some demand much from me
and i give all i can
because what are we without friends?
my only wish in life is to have an impact on others
to play a part in making their lives a better one
but sometimes its so difficult
a relationship is a give-and-take,
a trade of effort
so don't expect me to keep up the effort
when you don't put in any
i will drop you like a stone
hear the ripples in the water
but i shall be deaf to the tones
for there are others who are better
better friends.
and here's to all who are truly good to me
life isn't about wealth, love, social status
its about friends and family
so when we die we'll look back and realise
we made the most of it.

The Return of the IPOD

2009-01-25T02:02:00.002+08:00

Managed to get back my Ipod from Eugene today
IT SURVIVED THE FALL INTO A BUCKET OF WATER
that's 600 bucks salvaged.

talking to you has reminded me of many dreams
some naive, most within reach
we're not that old, yet.

Happy CNY then.

I repeat: I HATE clubbing.

Entrapped

2009-01-19T22:48:00.004+08:00

i begin to loathe the mere existence of the handphone
and it isn't that i've never felt this way before
but today i felt the full extent as to how much my life is under its control
it was relieving for awhile to have a reason not to carry my phone with me
as i was to visit cmpb for an xray on my ankle
but after awhile i felt so loss
so unconnected
and i wouldn't feel this way if i haven't been so used to having my trusty companion in my bulging pocket.

am i naive?

another lesson today, i learnt while sleeping:
i like dreams and nightmares
they seem to fill in the time while i sleep
and i'm not sure for the general population but they happen to me almost everyday
i feel almost reassured to have them
at least that's what i felt today
'cause if one third of our days were to be spent sleeping
i wish they'd be put to better use
and dreams somehow seem to justify my sleep so that i won't feel guilty wasting my time

but the true reason is that i feel so much more alive in the land of morpheus.

oh, and btw, The Children of Men is a fucking good read.

We need our sobberies; equality is a political theory not a practical policy...

I could hardly blame Xan for the fact that I lost my virginity in conditions of acute discomfort in a Poole car park with a redhead who made it plain, both during my fumbling preliminaries and afterwards, that she had known better ways of spending a Saturday evening. And I can hardly claim that the experience adversely affected my sex life. After all, if our sex life were determined by our first youthful experiments, most of the world would be doomed to celibacy. In no area of human experience are human beings more convinced that something better can be had if only they persevere.

This planet is doomed anyway. Eventually the sun will explode or cool and one small insignificant particle of the universe will disappear with only a tremble. If man is doomed to perish, then universal infertility is as painless a way as any. And there are, after all, personal compensations. For the last sixty years we have sycophantically pandered to the most ignorant, the most criminal and the most selfish section of the society (the young). Now, for th rest of our lives, we're going to be spared the intrusive barbarism of the young, their noise, their pounding, repetitive, computer-produced so-called music, their violence, their egotism disguised as idealism. My God, we might even succeed in getting rid of Christmas, that annual celebration of parental guilt and juvenile greed. I intend that my life shall be comfortable, and, when it no longer is, then I shall wash down my final pill with a bottle of claret.

Departure of Yuli

2009-01-19T00:05:00.003+08:00

I feel so bad now that she's leaving

all those times i screamed at her

but i still remember all the fun times we had

she is the cheerfulest maid ever

I'll miss your stupid smiley face :(

the death of a legend

2009-01-09T01:57:00.001+08:00

michael crichton is gone... without my knowing...

rest in peace, my hero...

humourless

2009-01-07T23:08:00.002+08:00

seven pounds really shook me for some strange reason
yet again i'm impressed by will smith

maybe when you're gone you won't say such things to me

Asylum

2009-01-06T22:55:00.002+08:00

I'm this fucking close to losing my mind rape me rape me rape me why can't no-fucking-body help me this is too much for one to take i can't be proactive anymore i can't understand any thing anymore why won't anybody help me stop making these matters worse what other form of pain do i have to undergo before all of this can end why won't you help me why is the man above forgetting about me wake up wake up wake up the higher you hope the harder you fall i want to succeed but the odds are on a tiny rope litted on fire beer i need beer where can i find my destiny wait theres no such thing but i don't know what i want to be but alice if you don't know where you want to go anywhere will get you to where you want to be i am worthless do not expect much from me i am but the tree that holds the leaves and nothing else tortoises live longer than me i wish i was the sandman in neil gaiman's books he is the god of all gods matthew reilly is the mother of all thriller fiction lets all quit school and army and mug his books rape me rape me rape me i'm so helpless but i don't need anyone's help i just want to be alone FUCKING SHIT.

Wallet Found

2009-01-04T23:37:00.000+08:00

I love Singapore's Citizens.

Happy 2009!

2009-01-02T01:27:00.002+08:00

I've come across the 2 most depressing statements said to me today by someone who means alot to me: "Are you threatening me again?" and "Don't worry, I never expected much from you anyway."

I guess I do have many flaws in my character.
I am trying to change.
But I guess its not good enough.
And I guess you won't be reading this anyway.

All in all, it has been the best year yet last year.
If I'm lucky, it would be even better this time.

This year I've:
- forged many many new friendships that I cherish
- learnt many lessons about girls and romance
- read many many subjectively boring but unquestionably useful books
- gotten closer to my family by an atom's diameter (which is alot)
- maintained healthy relationships with past friends
- found the greatest boss and role model ever
- discovered my vision

At the end of the day,
there are only two constants.

Friends and Music.

So here I'd like to thank everyone who've made a positive impact in my life.

Thank you,

my boss, Nadarajan, for all the guidance and motivation
my buddy, Eugene, for teaching me music and the awesomic fun
my most trusted friend, Shawn, for all the great talks and just being there when I needed you
my best of pals, Shen Yean, Weikang, Dharma, Matthias, Asik, for being the best of pals
my MJ classmates, for keeping in touch, esp Jie, Bren, Eekee
my canoeing teammates, for being the rowdiest ever
my Army friends, esp Jim, Alvin, Silas, Luke, Kaartik, Ahmad, for making it bearable
my beloved SquidnCo, for all the soccer excitement
my family, for all the love thus far
my cousins, who are the best cousins one could ever ask for
my everyone-else, who've been awesome

Thank you for everything you've done that changed me directly or indirectly

Death is inevitable, but you've made life worth living.

I love you all.

A Beautiful Mess

2008-12-28T23:59:00.002+08:00

You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man
And lift him back up again
You are strong, but you’re needy, humble but you’re greedy
And based on your body language and shouted cursive I’ve been reading
Your style is quite selective, but your mind is rather reckless
Well, I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is.

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is.
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction
Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging

And it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like, we are picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are

And what a beautiful mess this is
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words in priceless pictures
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it’s nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

gigs and gigabytes

2008-12-27T01:36:00.002+08:00

sean's performance was good
maybe i'll turn up for future ones...
not so into jap pop though =/

i need to improve.

MERRY XMAS

2008-12-25T01:38:00.001+08:00

Its going to be a lonely year without my baby :(

100th post

2008-12-24T07:15:00.001+08:00

amazing how time flies?

not really.

life is short, and you are hot.

life is long when you know how to use it.

no.

life is long when you know what matters :)

Times when Life feels Right

2008-12-23T00:58:00.005+08:00

Sitting on a warm track with a cool breeze in your face
Having a cold beer on the sidewalk with your buddy
Laying in bed with your loved one

Times I'll always look back and say,
"Hey! Life wasn't too bad, was it?"

Here's to all my friends,
in case I die without having the chance to say it,

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING!
I LOVE ALL OF YOU!
LIVE WELL AND PROSPER!

i need to breathe

2008-12-22T01:16:00.002+08:00

my decision making is fucking bad.

i haven't got a clue on what i want and what i need.

fuck me, geez.

A New Beginning?

2008-12-21T00:50:00.002+08:00

I don't know why but I've decided to come back here

life sometimes confuses me
i've been trying to confront some matters head on for awhile
but now it hurts from the impact

i don't understand how some people really think
so i'm gonna stop guessing

maybe when you're done being stupid we can be friends.
at least make an effort, sometimes.

so you think you can hold the world up by a string
with all that you have

Final Post

2008-10-07T01:43:00.003+08:00

There is no end in sight
and no ends mostly mean no beginnings
and without beginnings
we are lost in transition.

this is my closure.

i'm done.

fuck this.

i guess i finally know what i have to do in life.

thanks, god.

waiting for your

2008-10-06T14:35:00.002+08:00

call, i'm sick, call i'm angry
call i'm desperate for your voice

have time for me.

suffocate me with the guitar strings

2008-10-05T12:57:00.001+08:00

i need a friend.

the day asik won me 7 balls

2008-10-03T00:48:00.003+08:00

geez.

things couldn't get anymore depressing.

and pool is supposed to make me happier!

Endings and Beginnings

2008-10-01T22:28:00.001+08:00

I'm so glad that we can finally be friends with each other.
Now make sure you work hard over there :)

if there is a god

2008-09-25T03:04:00.003+08:00

hell of a bad week
the time not spent sleeping
was spent on pool and drinking
still hopeful about SAT though

give me the strength to overcome this
give me the foresight to know how to handle this
give me the wisdom to grow through pain and move on

make-up?

2008-09-19T23:16:00.003+08:00

http://www.shoppinglifestyle.com/microsite/200808_contest/index.asp?r=ujdlmfnzbsnqjuAipunbjm/dpn

I dunno why I'm so enthusiastic about this but pls help out! LOL.

the dilemma of education

2008-09-16T00:53:00.002+08:00

there are so many choices regarding everything nowadays
and the reality took that long to hit me
where to go, what to do?
i need a kiss my ass hurts so much money to spend time with me and you collide and crap my pants when you sing like a devil wears prada is so expensive but its so ugly like betty so petty like a 6 year old apartment needs cleaning now and then the question is who watches the watchmen who guard the museum is falling apart to pieces of time that needs recollection like stamps on my balls which are square like spongebob and patrick went jelly-fishing is fun so lets go and drown the ministers and get our money back in time where lives were meaningful and not like mine where i sit all day looking at university courses and prerequisites and frown to myself wishing i could bite my ass off for not working harder and then the witch came back to curse me and now i grew shorter and yet longer at the same time and i realise i've said time so many times oh shit that's another okay the need to improve english appears and voila! i disappear into the dark abyss.

i'm not crazy.

i just need more hugs.

timetimetime

2008-09-14T22:21:00.002+08:00

i've got a crazy business idea
but before i can implement it
it'll probably be taken away
i'm sad.

Scarecrow

2008-09-14T02:05:00.002+08:00

Life suddenly appears as a rat race
i no longer have any idea what i want

no reassurances on the future
no hope from the past
no will in the present

i am dying
not in the physical sense of course
but life has become mere existence
as air turns to lead.

The Two-Faced Man

2008-09-12T02:19:00.001+08:00

i got owned by my physiotheraphy session today
things that really look simple can be really tough sometimes
a lesson well taught today =/

Best Wishes

2008-09-09T15:30:00.002+08:00

there are many things i wished that i could've changed in my life.
i wished that i was more athletic, or started sports at a much younger age
i wished that i started reading earlier
i wished that i had a better relationship with my brother
i wished that Dad would have time to do jigsaw puzzles with me and my family
i wished that i had been more romantic
i wished that i had a clue of what i wanna be in the future

but we all know wishes are useless
what is important is what we intend to do about what we can change
and there is one last wish that is within my control to fulfill
and that is

to be a better man.

Neil Gaiman, My Hero

2008-09-07T00:54:00.002+08:00

Finished Endless Nights in a couple of hours today,
Amazing.

I love how the story unravels for every member of the Endless.
The story writing and variety of artistic styles really satisfies people of all tastes.

I can't wait to get my hands on American Gods.
The only pity is that I have yet to read it.
ARGH.

Cell

2008-08-27T23:16:00.002+08:00

the feeling keeps coming back
i have no idea what's coming over me
but suddenly life has no meaning
if it has, it has slipped out of reach, beyond my conscious mind

what do we hope to expect from our lifetime,
when in the end the end is inevitable no matter what we do?
i have nothing to hope for, no legacy as of yet
but i have someone

thankfully :)

thanks for trying your best to come over whenever you can:
- Brenda
- Joyce
- Shawn
- Alvin

and thanks to the canoeing chaps for visiting!

you guys are the brightest sparks in my mundane, sad life.

i love you all.

Death

2008-08-25T23:33:00.004+08:00

tonight the feeling came back to me

perhaps its due to the sudden long periods of time spent alone
but tonight, after reading quite a bit of Cell by Stephen King,
I felt so very scared of the notion of death
how inevitable it is
and i'm stumped wondering how the heroes of history dealt with it

i guess its something to do with acceptance
we need to accept these things
and i'm finding it so hard to.
i really am.
my mind is being torn apart just thinking about it

i want to believe that God exists
i want to believe that there's a heaven out there waiting for us
i refuse to accept that after life there is nothing
i don't want to know for sure that we're only made up of cells
that there is no mind nor soul, just our brains and bodies
i want to be able to live over and over again
being reincarnated
or i would like to live in eternal salvation with Him
but my logical self just reasons against this.
But i want to believe, i need to believe in something
and clearly no life after death ain't reassuring at all
nor is eternal damnation.

i just want to lead the happiest life ever possible
and so, i would like to tell all my friends here and not here
from now on
I love you all
i wouldn't be LG without anyone of you
even if we may have had some frictions in the past
i forgive and forget all that and hope to receive the same
i want to live a life of love, not one of dissatisfaction
and i want to die just like Jack Cooper
with my wife beside me, happily
but hopefully without the years of pain and suffering.
sometimes i feel like i wanna go out with a bang
without knowing what hit me
so i won't have the time to regret
and just disappear physically, but fixed in the hearts of my loved ones
it doesn't matter that i don't become famous
all i want is to love and be loved in return by the people who mean the world to me
and that would be anyone who would allow me to do so
im not desperate to love or be loved
im just desperate to live a life of love
whatever that means
i guess it means the same damned thing

i think im spending too much time by myself
i seriously need some company
before i go crazy inside and tear myself apart outside
ms chew please come and visit me more often!
and BFF please do so too :)

I need you by my side
always
and I need to tell you I love you
and make sure you feel that way
every single day we're on this earth
i do, very much, love you.

The Wednesday Letters

2008-08-24T19:23:00.001+08:00

amazing book about altruistic and unconditional love.

if only i was as strong as the Coopers.

something i'll have to work on.

necessary decisions, unnecessarily complicated.

2008-08-21T23:38:00.002+08:00

i thought i've already figured out what i wanted
but you made me aware of the alternatives
and now, well, i'll be damned.

there's not much time left
but there wasn't much time in the first place

it has come to a point where i know i'll never be satisfied
but i will always be happy
but only because i choose it
and yes, happiness is a choice, not a lifestyle, not an aim.

going good

2008-08-12T22:56:00.002+08:00

xray and doc says everything's going fine
and im spending my days throwing rubbish away
filtering through old CDs and books
but im still not bored

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
WHOEVER IS FREE PLS COME AND VISIT ME

a prisoner of birth

2008-08-05T12:37:00.001+08:00

i've suddenly become a fan of jeffrey archer
thanks to eugene's pop
thanks!

now i'll go on to read eckhart tolle
recommended by boss
perhaps we'll meet soon

rehab and damage

2008-08-04T19:51:00.005+08:00

i could not resist my temper when i came back limping from running after the dog and tackling him while he was biting another dog. the main gate had been left open and i failed to take that into account when i decided to let the dog out of its den. and i blamed my maid for that. seems like all this while i've been trying to change but the impulses are still able to overpower me.

i am, still, a piece of shit.

Conclusion

2008-08-01T01:15:00.002+08:00

I'm glad to have gone for it
(and survived it)

I'm enjoying taking all the time in the world
taking my room apart
looking back at all my old things
realising how much has changed
and thinking of what to do in future

i look back now
and i am glad
for onli now i can truly say
it was worth it.

2008-07-30T16:45:00.000+08:00

HSM 3

2008-07-30T10:40:00.003+08:00

Zac Efron has been gyming hard clearly.
but the new look doesn't suit him one bit.

i don't wanna talk about it

2008-07-29T23:19:00.002+08:00

so im not going to.

but lying there almost crippled for days
and watching the espy awards
how athletes have performed miracles
time and time again
and how i can never pick myself up to do the same.
im not proud nor am i ashamed of it
i did cry
and the crying led me to see what's important
and now im changed.
so don't put me along the same line as the lg u knew before.
but not a handful really know me anyway
not that many care.

------------------------------------------------------

i can't smile without you
i can't laugh, i can't sing
i'm finding it hard to do anything.
you see i feel sad when you're sad
i feel glad when you're glad
if you only knew what i'm going through...

i just can't smile without you.

you came along just like a song
and brightened my day
who would've believed that
you were part of a dream
now it all seems
light years away.

i have never found any words capable of sounding what i feel.
these come as close as it gets.

keep in mind what you want,
keep in your heart what you have.

71st Post, Final Goodbye

2008-07-23T23:02:00.002+08:00

This is a final thank you to all well-wishers, i love you all.

Hope to see you soon. Healthily.

The Last 4 Days

2008-07-20T02:51:00.001+08:00

Finally got my comp up and running
shall post a pic of it soon :)

now just waiting for the bed & the bookshelves
and then I'll be ready for the fight.

Here I come, bring it on.

exciting and yet frightening changes

2008-07-11T23:06:00.002+08:00

getting a new comp tmr.
going msia next week.
going for op the following.
while my room's being renovated.

can't wait for my mc to start.

sam sung a new song.

2008-07-10T00:28:00.004+08:00

oh well lost my new samsung (okay maybe not that new) and got another one; its cool and nice and light but its so hard to use! (juz coz i have fat fingers ARGH.)

been spending too much lately.
$300 at gramophone warehouse sale
$200 at kino
$140 at borders
$192 at MPH

can this obsessive compulsive behavior pls stop.

thanks.

nvm won't be spending much soon after the op.

i can't muster the courage to face this predicament. i need your help to live through this. Give me strength, not the opportunity to show strength, and i will love you forever more. At least i'll try my best. Save me.

Operation Smelly Toufu

2008-07-03T00:11:00.004+08:00

The date has been set.

24th July 2008.

Thursday.

SGH.

and I am scared outta my balls.

God, I know I don't really have a favourable relationship with you, but for once, please bless me and induce within me the courage and strength to overcome this difficulty. I swear that if everything is successful I will turn over a new leaf and make everyday count. I will give to mankind in the way your son has done so, but never get close enough to the extent of the sacrifice he committed himself to. I will become useful to the human race and make ripples which will power tsunamis through the vast dimensions of the human race in the name of progress, in your name, God Almighty. Just give me this one chance and don't take away my legs, and you have my word that I will do whatever it takes to right the wrongs of this world, a task too gargantuan for a single being except yourself but I will try my best no matter what. Please be there with me in the operation and exude upon me the benevolence I have heard so much about. I will love you everyday for that. Thank you. Amen. God Bless Us All.

2008-07-03T00:11:00.001+08:00

Wish List

2008-07-02T04:50:00.004+08:00

The last few things I feel like I'll really splurge on this year...

1. Sandman Collection (Volumes I to III) by Neil Gaiman
2. entire Friends Series (DVD)
3. Paulo Coelho Bookset
4. Matthew Reilly Series (left 3 books)
5. Michael Crichton Series
6. Dan Brown Collection
7. Jodi Picoult books
8. maybe a few Tony Buzan books
9. definitely some John C. Maxwell books
10. A few more notebooks
13. World Map & Globe
14. Bicycle
15. new Computer
16. Adobe Toolset
17. A couple of 1000+ pieces Jigsaw Puzzle
18. Definitely more clothes
19. A trip to Malaysia and another to somewhere further at year end
20. Either a new watch, a new guitar, a few good bags, OR a good pair of shoes

and suddenly i wonder where i'm gonna get all the money from.